Well, it was bound to happen. The popularity of zombies. The popularity of vampires. Deadliest Warrior fantasy matchups. Season Finales.
The day has finally arrived as Deadliest Warrior on Spike TV took on the biggest, wildest, and goriest fantasy matchup of them all: Vampires vs. Zombies!
So the usual fun bunch was together, standing and speculating at a table filled with zombie and vampire paraphernalia
As per the show, they had to bring in specialists in the history and the subjects. Since the matchup is (at this point) completely speculative, they brought in the following experts.
Steve Niles wrote a comic book that eventually became a movie that redefined vampires with dangerous possibilities.
Scott Bowen joined Steve Niles as well. He wrote a book called "The Vampire Survival Guide".
Speaking of books, Max Brooks of the runaway hit book, "The Zombie Survival Guide" made it on the show. He's the son of noted Hollywood comedy director/performer Mel Brooks.
He was seconded by another noted zombie enthusiast, Matt Mogk.
Matt Mogk founded the above group, which touts George A. Romero as a member.
Now, in the olden' days, we remember vampires as Bela Lugosi's Dracula: Dark and Mysterious, who wanted to seduce us to take our blood. But Niles has redefined Vampires as 'apex predators' who are at the top of the food chain and use blood to power the machines that are their bodies.
Kind of like this dude. He's a bad mother...
"Shut yo' mouth."
"I'm just talkin' about Blade"
"We can dig it."
Anyway, the claim is made early that vampires are as powerful of six Olympic caliber humans. See, when they run, it's really fast. That's why they need so much blood.
When we talk about the history of zombies, we talk of their origins in voodoo. They were puppets to be used at the whim of their zombie master.
Then, how George A. Romero completely turned the genre around by making the zombies flesh-eating killers.
George A. Romero is what God looks like.
And so we get the origin of the shambling zombie horde.
A big part of the speculation begins with the probability of vampires becoming zombies if they are infected.
Dr. Dorian states that it is possible, considering 'swine flu'. This virus went from pigs to humans. So the possibility is there.
A virus always changes, and that is what is controlling the zombie, forcing it to spread its pestilence by its bites.
A common scene in the show was the dorks battling over which myth was stronger. It kind of felt like sitting at a table where kids are playing "Magic: The Gathering." Which is fine by me, because I've got a zombie deck ready to go that I've had for over 10 years now.
Anyway...
Meanwhile, Conan's great grandson forged a steel glove for an interesting experiment. See, a one-on-one matchup between a zombie and a vampire would be too obvious. Zombies attack in hordes, so they devised a way to determine how many zombies were needed to make the matchup fair.
They got a board-breaking expert to wield the claws against a pack of mock zombies. He needed to see how many he could smash before being overrun.
And then he went to to work, smashing zombies until three were left.
The karate guy asked if he was scared. He said yes.
What was determined was the fairest fight would be 63 zombies to 1 vampire.
They then had to test the weapons the creatures had. First, bites.
Since zombies gave it all a human could give, they brought a Rottweiler to test the bite strength.
He attacked his trainer.
Lots of pressure.
But since the vampire is an 'apex predator', and had the strength of 6 Olympic caliber athletes, its bite was the biggest, too. At least, that's what Steve Niles said. When DW said they were going to bring in an alligator to test the bite, the meanest bite in the wild, Niles got excited.
They put a gauge on a stick for the alligator's old handler to use.
"Hi!"
So, the beast bit. And it was a lot of pressure.
So, into the test they went.
They used a pressurized pump they could dial up the pressure on. They plugged in the dog bite pressure, gave it to a set of teeth, and let her rip (literally!).
Dr. Dorian hit the play-by-play. The goal was to see how long the teeth needed to bite until the hypothetical vampire bodies would be drained of blood.
Dr. D stopped the clocke at 2:27.
Then, it was the vampires turn. Serrated teeth here we come!
Niles is ready. And they dialed up the pressure.
Dorian grosses out.
That's a serious bite.
Big advantage to vampires on bites, but now, onto the hands.
They got three weightlifters to tear through a hypothetical body blindfolded, since zombies would be too dumb to attack the heart specifically, the weakness of the vampires.
Away they went.
Nothing like a good old fashioned zombie victim dismemberment to get some chuckles and cheers.
Vampires have their claws, but they needed to test the hypothetical strength of the finger attacks.
So they got power lifter Clay to do the work.
Clay can bend things normal humans can't bend.
So, they asked him to smash a pressure measuring device, which he gladly smashed.
It was a lot of pressure...
...x6
So what happens when you dial up that kind of pressure with the claw simulator? Instant zombie death in just under 2 seconds, that's what.
But there were also the x-factors. Here's how it played out.
And then, it was time to mix it up. A horde of zombies entered a building....
Where three vampires were sleeping.
I'd be mad if a bunch of zombies woke me when I was trying to sleep.
Here comes the fun bunch.
The first vampire gave it a valiant effort, but fell to superior numbers.
The remaining two vampires try to get out of a room, but are swarmed. The vampire bites the head of the first one through the door. Keep that in mind for later.
Hot chick vampire doesn't make it.
The last zombie goes ninja on the remaining zombie horde members.
He tries to go outside, but the sun is rising. So he has to go back in and finish the zombies.
Which he does.
Some of the final stats...
They make the point that the vampire is smarter, faster, stronger, and has probably been fighting it out for centuries.
But the show finishes with the final question. Brooks brought it up when the 'vampire hand' experiment really showed a hand exploding a zombie head, releasing the virus. In the simulation, if vampires are biting zombie heads, then there is the possibility of the zombie virus hitting the vampire.
And that's the big finish...
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Bowie Ibarra is the author of the zombie horror series "Down the Road" from Simon and Schuester and Permuted Press. His most recent book, "Codename: La Lechusa" is the story of a female superhero who kicks ass and takes names.
You can read more about Bowie and his books and network with him at: http://www.zombiebloodfights.com
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