Photo Credit: WWE.COM
Like pilgrims to the holy land, pro-rasslin' superfans began their individual walks on the 'Road to Wrestlemania'. The walk begins in earnest at Royal Rumble. 30 WWE stars were set to throw down for the chance to main event at the Granddaddy of all pro-wrestling events. And ZombieBloodFights.com took in the show and had some fun with his brethren at Fatso's in San Antonio, Texas.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH
BRYAN DANIELSON (C) vs. MARK HENRY vs. BIG SHOW
Jack Briscoe. Dory Funk. Ric Flair. Harley Race. Bryan Danielson.
Danielson has been a little overenthusiastic over the past few weeks, and has not been making many friends. Two people who have big beefs with Danielson were Henry and Show, who were going to settle it all in the cage. I thought it was a good match, but as usual, I thought it needed blood.
Yeah, its an old complaint. But it rings true every time.
Let's face it. Cage matches need blood. And thought this match was enjoyable, that was the only thing it needed.
Danielson retains the title.
DIVA'S 8-WOMAN MATCH
PHOENIX/NAT/BELLAS vs. EVE/KELLY KELLY/FOX/TAMINA
The girls threw down in an amusing diva's match. I thought one of the best parts was a moment when Phoenix went for a tag, then on the way out, slapped the crap out of Eve(?). She also swatted Bella I on the shoulder to tag herself in to smash Kelly Kelly with the GlamSlam.
Phoenix and her team of Divas takes it.
'FUNKASAURUS' BROADUS CLAY vs.DREW McENTYRE
Funkasaurus was pimped out in a green track suit and fedora, looking like the missing technicolor member of Run DMC. The Funkasaurus Dancers were looking great as well. And it didn't take long for Clay to crush McEntyre with his devestating flying cross body block.
The best part of the night was listening to my fellow fans and realizing how old I was. Clay is clearly using to great effect the same image that 'Flash Funk' (2Cold Scorpio) had in the early 90s, complete with pimp garb and dancers. But my friends said, "Oh, he's like The Godfather. Well, kind of.
Clay takes it.
GRUDGE MATCH
JOHN CENA vs. KANE
Kane and Cena can't seem to sort it out, and mixed it up in the ring.
But the fight spilled to the outside, ending the match in a DQ countout.
Then, as the fight moved to the back, Kane stunned Cena and found Ryder's dressing room. Ryder had showed up to the arena in a back brace from his choke slam through the ramp at Raw. Well, it was a bad idea for him to show up, because Kane the Supernatural douchebag smothered Ryder into unconsciousness and took him to the ring.
Ryder's special lady friend, Eve, tried to plead for Kane to stop. She eventually chose to just cower in the corner as her severely injured man was put down with the Kane family favorite, a classic tombstone piledriver.
Cena tried to come out for the save, but ended up feeling Kane's wrath as well. Interestingly enough, Kane spared Eve.
Eve is the worst girlfriend ever. She's trained to fight, and in the very least, should have tried to kick Kane in the nuts. C'mon, Eve. That's your injured man over there. You've taken a Super Glam Slam from the top rope. You do a booty shake standing backflip splash. You got to have the skills to attack an ungodly beast's supernatural genitals. If you can't light up Kane's testes with a kick and make them great balls of fire to spare you're man, you're a bad girlfriend. That's all I'm saying.
Double DQ
WWE TITLE MATCH
CM PUNK (C) vs. DOLPH ZIGGLER w/Vikki Guerrero
JOHN LAURINITIS, GUEST REF
Laurinitis is concerned about keeping his job and impressing a returning (goddammit, HHH, you sonovabitch) Hunter Hearst Helmsley. So he removes Vikki from ringside and does his best to call it right down the middle.
It's a great match with some good action and energy. But when the official ref gets knocked out, Punk was victorious at least two times. But the ref wasn't there and the pins were ignored by the outside official, Laurinitis. But eventually, Punk gets the win and retains the title.
30-MAN ROYAL RUMBLE
This Rumble match was alright. I had a good time watching it, and so did the people I sat with at Fatsos. The end of the match wasn't too much fun until the very end, though. But here were some highlights.
- The return of Kharma, who eliminated two dudes
- Mick Foley vs. Santino in a 'Socko vs. Cobra' fight
- Jinder Mahal - I like anything international in US pro-wrestling. And I like Mahal.
- Ricardo Rodriguez showing up in a beat-down Mazda acting like Del Rio. For a second there, I thought it was Del Rio. But it was Rodriguez. And it was hilarious as he hit the ring in his whitey-tighteys.
-The entire announce team mixed it up, including Cole. Thankfully, that turd was one of the dudes eliminated by Kharma.
- Kofi Kingston did a handstand walk to the stairs to prevent being eliminated. Hey, his feet didn't touch the ground.
- Hacksaw Jim Duggan - Admittedly long in the tooth, the first Rumble winner in history came into the event to get a little taste of the glory, to see what it tastes like.
- Road Dog showed up out of the clear blue. You could see him getting really tired around the first :35-40 seconds of his time in the ring. But it was fun to see him.
- NO KEVIN NASH - Watching that turd enter last year was an omen of horrible things to come for last year. He was pretty much one of the main reasons WWE sucked last year, and I was glad his broke down stupid ass didn't show up this year.
- Jericho finally arrives! - He finally got in the ring and mixed it up, in it to win it.
- It came down to Jericho, Sheamus, Big Show, and Randy Orton. After Show and Orton were eliminated, Jericho and Sheamus faced off. In a pretty intense matchup, you could tell the way both men were fighting, they wanted the win. In the end, Sheamus wins by Broughe Kicking Jericho out of the ring.
My only complaint was that as the Rumble was counting down to the last guys, it just didn't feel like any superstars were in the ring. I guess just because I don't follow some of the new stars, it was anticlimactic for me. But it finished strong with Jericho and Sheamus.
As the so-called IWC continues to perpetually poop themselves after every show, even PPV's, one of the common themes of the fallout seems to be Jericho 'should' have won? What? He had his chance, and was doing pretty good against a tired Sheamus. But Sheamus proved he wanted it just a little bit more and took the victory.
In fact, I'm glad Jericho didn't win. He didn't come across looking like those entitled returning SuperStars that think they should always win. In fact, it looks like by Jericho losing, he's given fans yet another reason to be upset with him. In the end, he 'won' after all, continuing to get under the skin of the official IWC.
In spite of what some internet fans are saying, I had a good time watching it. It was actually a pretty good pay-per-view, with Punk/Ziggler being the best-in-show.
Congrats, Sheamus. Whiskey for the Leprechauns! Whiskey for the Leprechauns!
We'll see what happens now at the Chamber in another month as we walk our own roads to 'mania.
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Bowie Ibarra is the author of the 'Down the Road' zombie horror series. His upcoming book, "Pit Fighters: Baptism by Fire", is a combat sports themed book.
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