It was a cold and a little wet as I pulled up to Mohawks, the ACW Austin arena of choice. And I'm glad I had reserved seats because the place was packed. It was the first time I had ever seen the place so full. SRO was the theme for the night for ACW's Guilt By Association V.
What suprised me more was the fact that the barbed wire was already up. They're going to open with the No Rope Barbed Wire Cinder Block Deathmatch between "Showtime" Scot Summers and YouTube Champ J.T. LaMotta? Works for me!
Match # 1 - No Ropes Barbed Wire Match for ACW Anarchy Televised Title
"There's a pimple right here on your head. Let me get that."
"There's an eye right on your face. Let me get that."
This was just as brutal and cruel as I thought it was going to be. To be honest, I didn't think LaMotta had it in him. But the chubby guido suprised me, hanging with the maniacal Summers punch for punch, cruelty for cruelty. Flesh tore on barbed wire, bodies were thrown on cinder blocks. And blocks were broken across bodies. It was out of control. In the end, Summers took the victory and became ACW's first Grand Champion.
LaMatta talks to Sign Guy after the match, talks his future with girls?
Great. Well, they got to take the barbed wire down. That's going to take at least 20 minutes. Great time to catch a slice of pizza, considering I wanted to do some drinking. I left. Well, little did I know the next match would start midway through the deconstructing process.
Match # 2 - Tai-Pei Death Match
Well, the pizza from Hoboken was pretty good. It would line my stomach enough for the drinking I planned to do. Unfortunately, I made it back for the ass-end of this match. It was declared a no-contest, much to the chagrin of the fans. The buzz from a fan outside of my homies said it was just 'meh'. I couldn't judge, as I missed it entirely.
The Submission Squad came out next, and got an earful from me and my homies. We hate those guys. Then the emo Children of Pain came out, and I realized this was the "Loser leaves his Stable" match. I thought it was going to be just these two teams, but then the Smurfs came out. Oh, hell. Four corners. Which means the douchebags were up next, the New Age Takeover of Plisken the Devil Worshipper, D'Angelo The Guido, and Claxton the Redneck. The Ginger was with them, of course. Hey, they might be an odd pairing of douches, but they've been runnning roughshod over ACdub. And I hate to say it, they were the clear favorites to not be eliminated.
Match # 3 - Four-Team Trios Match with One Fall. Loser of the Fall must leave his faction
The Submission Squad: Pierre Abernathy, Evan Gelistico & Gary Jay vs. The Smurf Nation: J.C. Bravo, Chingo Smurf & Berry Breeze vs. The Children of Pain: Khris Wolfe, Jason Silver & Sky de Lacrimosa vs. The Takeover: Jaykus Plisken, Franco D'Angelo & Cowboy James Claxton with Miss Maulie
I tried to warn Sky, Chingo, and Pierre to just all gang up and go after the Takeover, as they like to attack people they considered fat and out of shape. Well, apart from Gelistico, this was a field of guys Plisken would love to pick apart. Plisken gave the Submission squad a pass, and went on the attack of the other teams, especially the Smurfs, punking them over the mic.
But JC Bravo did his best to go on the attack, but the power of Plisken counted the speed quick. It turned into a giant clusterf**k of fighting before Berry Breeze was left in the ring to stave off the Takeover, who devestated the Smurf with power moves. Long story short, Berry was eliminated, and held it against his team for being booted.
Berry Breeze is upset with his former SN friends and tells Sign Guy:
Smurf see it differently, but nothing good will come of it:
D'Angelo talks his trash.
Athena hit the ring, followed by Summerlynn. Wait... No way!
Match # 4 - 10,000 Thumbtacks Match
"I AM the Mother F**kin' Princess"
"Maybe a Powerbomb in tacks was a bad idea"
Good Lawrd, these women were swimming in tacks throughout the match. There were enough tacks early and often to make Mick Foley say, "Maybe you girls should think this over." In the end, Athena took the victory with a little help from her man, Vega.
Match # 5 - Last Man Standing Match for Young Guns U-30 Title
With respect to Symonds, I didn't know who he was, and wasn't sure why he strutted to the ring to cut a promo about how great he was. I don't think he was under 30 either. But then I realized it was a retirment match, and considered the fact that he chose ACW to have it in. I'm a year in with ACW, so I've missed some of the history. And considering some of those classic clips I've seen on YouTube, I'm glad I came in now. Yikes! Well, if ACW matched him up against ACH, let's see what happened.
"The making of a man"
In the end, it was a solid, scientific match, which I love above all. And in the end, ACH defeated the Texas Indy stalwart. And to solidify that I saw one of the greats Texas had to offer, "Showtime" came out and gave Symonds a respectful send off. If "Showtime" says he's legit, then Symonds is legit.
At the end of the show, he was decked out in a suit. Now that's the true symbol of a man that respects this business. I got it. I shook his hand and told him, "thank you".
Symonds provides an interview with Sign Guy here:
ACH talks up his match with Symonds:
When the gringo, Dingo, hit the curtain, I knew a match I was looking for was about to go down.
Match # 6 - Dingo vs. Akira Tozowa
It was an amazing match. I can appreciate Dingo the gringo each time I see him, even though I have to boo him because he's with the dildos of the Submission Squad. Tozawa, that's a given. And from now on, I'll be throwing my own damn tape.
This was also the match that my battery died on my camera. Dammit!
Tozawa came away with an amazing win.
Jimmy Jacobs made his way to the ring to that awesome song from the '80s I really want to identify. And then I remembered the match he was set up in. When the death metal vomit began, I knew there was going to be some shit.
Match # 7 - ACW World Hardcore Title Match
Taking everyone's chairs was a theme for the night. And this match was no exception. Typically, it's easy to move out of the way when the guys want to play outside the ring. But tonight, being so crowded, there was no way for people to not be part of the action. These guys brought in chairs and beat up on each other. Masada retained the title, and Jacobs looked hurt at the end of it all.
Sign Guy talks to Jacobs about his match and his ambitions:
I had to take care of some business outside Mohawks, so I missed this match as well.
Match # 8 - Four-Way Dance - Elimination Match - London v. Vega v. Fitchett v. Skelly
It was good, from what I heard. And Vega won the match.
Match # 9 - Dog Collar Match for American Joshi Title
"Let me show you how we brush our teeth in Canada."
"Why are there so many songs about Dog Collar matches..."
The Canadian Mexican Portia Perez put her title up against a challenger that has been chasing her since the Joshi tournament from last year, Lady Poison. And Perez went on the attack, going after Poison early. But once the collar was on Perez, it was only a matter of time. Poison wins by the Kiss of Death and becomes the new Joshi Champ.
Exhausted, I just wanted the main event. But ACW threw yet another match at us.
Match # 10 - Six Man Tag Elimination Match
"Breathe, Hazye, Breathe. I need you alive so I can kill you."
Slim Sexy, KASH & Brent Masters vs. High Roller Hayze, Bobby Lambert & Johnny Axxle
Slim Sexy took it to his nemesis High Roller Hayze and Axxle, who have been feuding for months now. And KASH got an unfortunate laugh as his Chef Boyarde pants fell off mid match. Here's hoping he gets a proper pair of wrestling pants for the next show if Plisken hasn't already shoved those pants up his ass. Masters with the win.
Hayze talks trash about Slim Sexy... and Mr. B?
And then finally, oh my God...
Match # 11 - Main Event "I Quit" Match for Heavyweight Title
Thank you, Jesus Christ. I hope I watched KASH's pants fall off for a reason. And thank goodness, I did. Five hours into the show, the final match begins. Evans the champ comes out to a karaoke version of his entrance music sung by one of the long haired Austin hippie SuperFans on the stage, and the guy ROCKS IT!! Singing along even for a moment with the Majestic Evans, it was a good high energy moment to keep me interested in this main event match that took five marathon hours to get to.
"The King likes it Char Broiled"
In truth, it was worth it. The two went at each other using everything they had. Finally, The Son of Anarchy disabled the Monarch, duct taped him to the turnbuckle, and threatened him with a knife. Evans begged off, making The SoA grab a can of gas, pour it on him, and pull out matches. Evans begged off again, but when The SoA lit the match, Evans quit. New ACW champ.
Here's SignGuy's interview of Palmer after the match:
It was a wild night that I finished off dancing at Elysium. The long haired hippie rock star was there, too. I high fived him for rocking Mohawks.
To Teri and Brandon who I think I ripped off some of these pics from, thanks. To all the wrestlers I cheer and jeer, thank you. And to Sign Guy, keep up the great work.