At the end of my past life, I earned the right to be the first flat track derby announcer with the Texas Rollergirls.
What follows is a very old, very unauthorized, and very unedited version of the document I produced describing my experiences during the genesis of flat track derby. It would be some of the last moments of my past life.
Enjoy.
What follows is a very old, very unauthorized, and very unedited version of the document I produced describing my experiences during the genesis of flat track derby. It would be some of the last moments of my past life.
Enjoy.
LOUDMOUTH: Confessions of a Flat Track Derby Announcer
By
Bowie V. Ibarra
Copyright 2007 Bowie V. Ibarra
“The eyes of Texas are upon
you all the live long day…”
- from the traditional song of Texas “The Eyes
of Texas”
Chapter IV: The Girls of the Texas Flat Track Derby Revolution
I have always found “warrior women” types appealing. I think it was from my great appreciation for
Richard Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries” from his opera, “Die Walkure”. Maybe it was Linda Carter’s “Wonder Woman”
from my youth. Or maybe its just my
not-so-secret leg, ankle, and female shoe fetish. At any rate, working with the roller girls
while engaged and subsequently married was a bit of an emotional and sexual
struggle for myself, an inner conflict between the Freudian id and superego.
The girls were a wild bunch in the beginning. A bizarre conglomeration of punks, teachers,
mothers, vamps, wives, librarians, party girls, and athletes, to name a few of
the categories you could put the girls into.
Thought they all came from different backgrounds, I was pleasantly
surprised at how sincerely nice and amicable they all were. Sure some were surly on occasion and most
everyone had an attitude, but they were always respectful when greeted with
respect.
The following is a list of some of the now legendary
girls that made an impression on me as athletes, skaters, and people. The list is not nowhere near comprehensive.
Dinah-Mite will be remembered by me as one of the first
living legend in flat track derby.
Granted, many more have been born since (read: Snot Rocket, The Vecchio
sisters, Beyonslay), but she was the first, in my opinion. Dinah Mite was the prototype of the ultimate
roller girl. Blockers routinely bounced
off of her when she jamed, effortlessly blowing them off and skating past
them. Dinah really caught on to the game
fast. A gorgeous blonde mother with the
tanned body of a mythical Amazon warrior, she was pretty much unstoppable and
shimmied and moved around the track like she owned it during the early days of
flat track. She was an expert not only
as jammer, but at pivot and blocker.
Flat track, and injuries, finally caught up to the
phenom, but she will forever have the reputation of being one of the best
ever. If there ever is a Flat Track Hall
of Fame, she would be my nomination for Charter membership.
White Lightning’ - In my opinion, the meanest, baddest
roller girl to ever put on a pair of quads, and probably my favorite rollergirl
ever, second to none.
Ever. I stand by
that.
Sure there are some cruel players: Pussy Velour, Cat
Tastrophe, Anna R. Key, Starr Doom, Choco Ono, or Mummy Dearest and Osa
Peligrosa, but no one has skated with the skill, proficiency, and destructive
power of White Lightnin’.
The girl blocked with vicious efficiency and played the
jammer position like a blocker, taking out jammers as well as blockers while
racking up points. She pretty much
attacked any player in a different jersey regardless of the necessity. One of the only roller girls to say they have
taken out Dinah Mite on several different occasions. Only Doe Holliday of the Tucson Saddletramps
and Curvette have come close to comparing to White Lightnin’. Easily at the top of my list of favorite
roller girls ever.
On a humorous note, during a practice, I watched White Lightnin’
take out Sparkle Plenty with a cruel block.
Sparkle quickly got up, and with the lighthearted humor of Miss Plenty,
commented on the hit with a big smile and words to the effect of, “Yeah, White
Lightnin’ hit me. It hurt pretty bad,
I’m not going to lie to you.”
And that was during practice.
Anna Mosity - Similar to White Lightnin’, but cut from a
very different cloth. Another in the
early tradition of cruel blockers, Anna Mosity had no problem mixing it up with
anyone who stepped in her path on the track or off of it, regardless of
gender. Anytime anyone hit her on the
track, she made them pay. She was one of
the earliest enforcers of the Hell Marys.
Whether she was on the track or off of it, you could bet she was going
to get in a fight. I watched Anna Mosity
get in a fight at a bar with Pixie Tourette while organizing the first Whammies
at the Jackalope. Both girls were
swinging wild at each other and knocking over tables.
Anna Mosity and Rolletta Lynn had a fierce rivalry on the
track. I once watched Anna tackle
Rolleta, take the mount and smash Rolletta’s head into the track until she got
a concussion. She was the enforcer for
the Hell Mary’s, even taking on takeout artist Bettie Rage that caused a bench
clearing brawl and an award for Best Fight for her team (Best Fight 2005 -
Bettie Rage vs. The Hell Mary’s, featuring Anna Mosity). Anna was a fierce rival of fellow roughneck
Barbie Crash. A fight was guaranteed
when the Hells played the Honkeys and those two hit the track.
Anna Mosity was best known for her panties, and started
the Rollergirls trend of having writing on panties. Written in stark white on her black panties,
“Nuns Suck” would be one of the earliest forms of effective audience teases the
flat track derby world has ever known.
One of her earliest pictures, with Strawberry pulling up Anna’s skirt,
revealing the writing as she coquettishly bit a fingernail, was rumored to have
been painted on the wall of an art school.
It was pretty much assured that those attending the bout would see her
round ass, which, in my opinion, built her a solid fan base. Her ass put asses in seats. Anna Mosity was the embodiment of the roller
girl ethos: tough as nails and sexy as all-get-out.
Anna is one of very few roller girls I can sincerely call
a friend, and I was saddened at her retirement. I recently saw her at a derby event, but
have not seen her since. I genuinely
hope she is doing well.
Despite her being out of derby, in my opinion, her legacy
remains.
Pixie Tourette - Sexy, sassy, and nuclear physicist
smart, Pixie Tourette is another girl that drips with sex appeal but has a very
rough exterior. Pale white, bleached
blonde, and walking the earth with the sexiest pair of legs to ever grace a
derby rink, Pixie is one of the wild cards of the Hot Rods. When this California native is on, she’s an
efficient blocker that takes jammers out with a scientific efficiency. She once took out Dinah Mite and was
nominated for Best Take Out 2004. I had
to pick the winner, and wanted to pick her despite the audience opinion.
A flirt of the highest order, her sexual aggression was
tempered by her nerdy charm.
Short tempered at times, Pixie once delivered the vaunted
pro-wrestling “Heart Punch” to me in the middle of a bar after telling her I
thought her team did well in the championship game the Hot Rods lost. I still have irregular heart beats.
Misty Meaner - When I think of the Hell Mary’s, the first
image that comes to my mind is of Misty Meaner skating around the track. Misty was the most graceful, calm, and
intriguing roller girl I’ve ever known.
I remember during the first season, when Misty would
become the lead jammer, she skated with a kind of calm grace, a stoic
determination to perform her job and rack up points for her team. Maybe it was her eyes, perpetually stuck in a
gaze that made you think she was sleepy.
It was as if she was emotionless, or perhaps like a poker player, putting
up a façade as not to reveal how she was feeling to her opponents.
Whatever it was, she was one of the most beautiful
visions to hit the track. I’ll never
forget the following season, when that stern, almost apathetic, look on her
face turned into stern determination.
There was an intensity in her face that made you know she was going to
rack up points, take out roller girls, or whatever it took for her team to
win. She even told me she had visions of
victory, dreaming about flat track bouts.
As an announcer, I turned it into something in regards to their
gimmick. I would say she had visions, in
which angels from God were speaking to her, providing her with information for
her bout.
Misty Meaner was always one of my favorites, and I was
sad to see her retire.
Vendetta von Dutch - One of the first roller girls I ever
met, and easily the coolest roller girl ever.
If roller derby had at its roots a punk rock mentality, then Vendetta
von Dutch was the poster girl for flat track.
Tattoed, caked in make up, and punk-rock glamorous, Vendetta kicked ass
on the track. I thought she was the
coolest roller girl, so when I heard she did not like my intro for her (“She’s
the best part of Italy and the worst part of Germany), I immediately changed
it.
She was one of the first roller girls I met the very
first day I came out to learn my role.
Amicable, witty, and bitingly honest, Vendetta was a great friend. Vendetta and Misty were actually two of the
girls that my wife actually thought were cool when she was giving derby a
chance. Both of them talked to my wife
like she was an old friend from the neighborhood, making her feel safe.
Vendetta’s husband was punk rock for life. Both of them, from Dallas, knew the punk rock
scene intimately, and even took me for a tour of their old stomping grounds
after a show in Dallas.
Flat track provided a much needed outlet for
Vendetta. The story goes that Vendetta
actually made the three hour drive from Dallas several times a week to make
practice in the early days of derby.
A librarian by trade, Vendetta is very popular with the
young kids she works with. She says the
kids refer to her as “the librarian with two different color hair”, referring
to her bleached blonde highlights streaking her black hair.
Some of the funniest things said over the mike have been
said by Vendetta. When thrown in the
penalty box by refs during the Hot Rod/Dairyland bout, Jim Jones made the
mistake of asking her a question in the box.
She responded with one of the funniest lines I’ve ever heard,
considering her trip to the box an award:
“I’d like to thank all the bitches that made that penalty
possible.”
Vendetta von Dutch represents the rebellious soul that is
flat track derby.
Cat Tastrophe - Gorgeous, spunky, and irritable, Cat
Tastrophe has always been someone I’m careful when approaching. A Leo, she is very temperamental, and could
sometimes be found coming to practices in tears. Despite her unpredictable temperament, she
has established a legacy of determined efficiency and dependability for her
team, the Hot Rod Honeys.
Initially, Cat Tastrophe was a noted rival of Dinah
Mite. Many even compared here skills and
talents to the purple clad Hustler. In
my opinion, no roller girl since the beginning has consistently been a test for
Dinah as Cat has been.
Watching her over the years, I have learned one
thing: you cross the Cat, you pay dearly
for it. You can almost see her writing
her shit list as the game progresses, promising in her mind that the person
that dared lay a hand on her or say a bad word to her is going to be punished
for it. I once watched her cold cock
then rookie Belle Starr with a right hook at the end of a period, flooring the
rookie in surprised astonishment.
Whether you agree with it or not, Cat Tastrophe is the
Queen of any flat track she sets skate on.
She will expect that respect from everyone who steps on it with her, and
will literally destroy anyone who stands in her or her team’s way.
You have been warned.
Rolletta Lynn - Rolletta Lynn is one of the first that I
ever considered hardcore. Friendly and
quirky, Rolletta was a serious competitor when it came to flat track. She was known to work closely with teammate
Patsy Crime.
I realized how serious the girls were one night when
Rolletta was knocked to the ground near turn three. She hit the floor hard and had not even had
the chance to shake off the pain when she was met with a skate right in her
face. The skate hit her right in the
mouth, and without missing a beat, she got to her feet to finish the jam.
After getting checked by the medical staff, she returned
to the game and finished.
“She’s hardcore!
She’s hardcore! She’s
hardcore! She’s hardcore!”
Rolletta currently lends her skills to the Queens of Pain
of the Gotham Girls Rollerderby league in New York.
Voodoo Doll - Sexy is an understatement in reference to
this tall drink of water. I don’t think
it’s too bold to say that never has there been and never will there be a roller
girls dripping with knowing sexuality as Voodoo Doll. In the early days, she was probably one of
the original fan favorites, with whole websites devoted to her worship,
literally. Virtual altars erected (no
pun intended) in devotion to her.
Apparently born and raised in the southernmost portions
of Texas, Voodoo had a hard time in her youth being such a tall and stunningly beautiful
young “guera”. She gained her toughness
fighting groups of “cholas” jealous of her beauty. Stories abound of whole bars becoming silent
when she entered and exited, with all eyes dumbfounded at her beauty.
I found Voodoo Doll to be a very friendly and
approachable lady. She had no problem
with a person that was respectful to her and didn’t make a big deal about her
looks.
Recently, she gave birth to a baby with her husband, a
noted Capoeria stylist. She has yet to
return to the track.
The Crusher – In the mold of the legendary 8-Track,
Thaaaaaaaaa Crusher was a menacing force on eight wheels. One of the few rollergirls to have Dinah
Mite’s number on a consistent basis.
Though she had a very bright future in derby, she was permanently sidelined
by injuries.
8-Track - Probably the most dominant and skillful blocker
in flat track history. She was honored
with the title of “Dust Devil MVP” at the first Dust Devil. Mean as a junkyard dog on the track, she was
a kind and loving person off the track.
She held my baby girl Gwendolyn while her loser dad was taking pictures
during a derby photo shoot. My baby fell
asleep in her arms.
Muffin Tumble - Cute, compact, and combative, Muffin
Tumble is a sultry assassin on wheels.
Her development as a skater was consistent and rapid, and she is now one
of the power players for the Hell Mary’s.
Barbie Crash – There are rough players and there are mean
players. And then there are dirty
players. Barbie Crash’s audacious
disregard for the rules of derby would make Rat City blush and say, “Hey,
wait. That’s dirty.”
I dubbed Barbie Crash “The Dirtiest Player in the Game”
as, in my eyes, she flagrantly disregarded every rule in the book to gain an
advantage. And she was good at it,
too. She had a knack for knowing when
refs weren’t looking to execute her diabolical strategies. She was always ready for a fight, too.
Sparkle Plenty – The now legendary Sparkle Plenty is a
tall and very slender Boricua, though you would not know that fact due to her
very fair complexion. I must admit, she
set an example of the potential for rollergirls for me as the seasons
progressed and proved to me that the sport is all inclusive when it comes to
size and shape. I thought she would be
knocked around the track like a rag doll in the early days, but watched as she
would own other rollergirls with superior technical skill and a grace that is
unique to her.
Sparkle was responsible for the first set of rules of
flat track, and many of the guidelines and set up were initiated by her. She is also an effective speaker and leader,
having to wrangle the massive “personalities” of the announce team with
superior wit, intellect, and an enigmatic use of timing in choosing her words.
Buckshot Betsy – Gorgeous Honky jammer and flat track
legend. Unique, but fit build, Buckshot
became one of the faces of the Honky Tonk Heartbreakers in their three year
dynasty before defecting to the Hell Mary’s.
If you face a Texas All-Star team, you will have to compete against
Buckshot.
Sedonya Face – From the planet LoveTron, Sedonya has been
a permanent fixture for the Hustlers in her legendary career. An enforcer for the Hustlers, she is known to
speak her mind in defense of her team whenever and to whoever.
Dottie Karate – Dottie Karate, or Karate Dottie in the
proper Japanese sense, will forever be one of my favorites. We both shared an appreciation of Japanese
culture that melded into my intro for her, announcing her name like the Japanese
pro-wrestling announcers I listened to via bootleg videos. Kara-tay DAH-taaaaaaaaaaayyyy!!! Her gimmick helped me live out my dream of
announcing wrestlers at the Tokyo Egg Dome in Japan. Every time.
Bettie Rage – Apart from the Rat City team, I don’t think
there is a single rollergirl who has been met with utter contempt on the track
then Bettie Rage, and I love it. Bettie
is 100% more subtle than her former Honky Barbie Crash, but just as
sinister. With skillful glee, she will
take out jammers by any means necessary, and have no problem doing it.
On the podcast for the Honky/Seattle DLF bout, after
taking on a DLF member and failing in the attempt, I got her over as a take-out
artist. In the background you can hear
an angry rollergirl yell, “Betty Rage, you fuckin’ bitch”, before she groans
and yells, “You Cheater”.
When you can get a fan that enraged and engaged in the
game, you’re doing something right.
Strawberry – One of the legendary Hell Mary’s team
players. Evident from the first day I
laid eyes on her, Strawberry had the greatest hair in flat track, second to
none. She is also notable for her flair
for the dramatic when calling off a jam.
=====
More to come...
No comments:
Post a Comment